 The
6 Strands of Connection Measuring
the Health of Relationships As a relationship expert and couples counsellor, I’m often asked what
attributes to look for when trying to determine how good or bad a relationship
is and whether or not the differences or gap between them are too large to
overcome. Simply put, do we stay and try
and work it out or cut our losses. What I look for in determining the state of a relationship are 6 key elements
that I call the “strands” which are essential to connect people together in
order to thrive. Like rope, when new and
freshly formed, is at its strongest, but when pressure, tension and strain are
added, over time, the strands begin to fray, unravel and ultimately weaken the overall
integrity. These strands are the markers or litmus to measure the health of a
relationship. In broad terms, they fit
into 6 categories, although there are some cross over and interplay. They are physical, mental, emotional,
psychological, financial and sexual strands of a relationship. In addition, I
have two (2) caveats they are Historical Significance and Important Life Events. What differentiates, divides or joins us from each other as humans is
our ability and willingness to connect in relationship to another. It’s the how and why we gravitate towards or
away from one another and how our relationship develops over time. Often too much or too little or difference can
topple the relationship into free fall. When
assessing the strength of a relationship, we need to undertake an honest inventory
and dissection of the individual strands to determine how healthy or sick each
element is and the impact overall to a relationship. These strands will have a hierarchy of importance to every individual
which may not align with a partner.
That, in itself, can be the cause of conflict and confusion in a
relationship. Physical Strand The physical strand refers to how comfortable we are with one another or
how you feel in their physical presence.
Can you sit in comfortable silence of does the mere presence of the
other get under our skin? Do you really
enjoy their company or do you feel the other has just stop trying to engage or
spending time with you? A relationship begins to falter when one party starts to feel less or
more for the other. The emotional and
sexual strands have started to unwind. Often
feeling like a “flat mate” or only operating on a functional level and feeling
a sense of loss or relegation of priority in their partner’s life. Perhaps moved
into the “friend zone”, meaning you don’t feel the same way about me as I do
about you. Conversely, often issues around control enter the relationship over fear
of losing their partner when one expects the other to spend every minute of
every day doing everything together. Or alternatively, becoming obsessive about
how the other spends time external to the relationship, where feelings of
jealousy or mistrust begin to seep in. A healthy relationship is one where you can enjoy each other’s company,
undertaking shared interests or activities, but respect the other’s individual
need to spend time with others or alone without feeling threatened or
rejected. It can be as a simple as working with your yin and yang around household
chores by organically doing what the other hates and vice versa. Working as a
team or in partnership adapting to changing circumstances such as an increase/decrease
in work hours, children being ill, etc. Or simply ensuring you carve out time
personally to pursue individual interests, self-indulgence or spending time
with friends. Mental Strand IQ – you’re born with it. Can’t
change it. But you can try harder or spend more time mastering a task that
doesn’t come naturally. Yes, it is unfair, but it is, what it is. However,
don’t ever equate academic intelligence to being smart or wise. In relationships, this strand refers to value
placed in what individuals bring to the relationship from their worldly
knowledge and lived experience. Cognitive function is only one way of the brain processing data. Remember Charles Darwin once said that it’s
not the strongest or smartest that survive, but those that are most adaptable
to change. Can people with very
different IQ’s make a relationship work – absolutely but pointing out the
deficits in the other’s thinking or belittling their capacity for knowledge is
just another form of bullying. Usually
the higher IQ’s excel in facts, details, areas of black and white, however,
it’s the other who is more emotionally attuned and understands grey areas, the humanistic
element in problem solving. Although, she was once perfect for him or he was her “Mr Right”– neither
dreamed they’d marry Mr Always Right or Little Miss Perfect. Once in session, a client, who after hearing
their partner say “I’m not always right” quipped, “well you’re never
wrong”. A healthy mental connection can be as simple as shared humour, similar
understanding of certain events, devising strategies to obtain shared goals,
consulting, inclusion of decision making and prioritising areas of your life and
valuing each other’s input. Emotional Strand I fundamentally disagree with the term emotional intelligence as it
assumes it is a non-linear measurement of someone’s emotional health. My definition is in relation to “emotional
maturity”, regardless of age or length or relationship. When life goes awry for whatever reason, how
do you manage your emotional response.
Do your behaviours reflect maturity?
When life doesn’t give you what you want or expect, how do you
emotionally manage the situation, event or relationship. When times are good in a relationship, both parties believe that they
are on the same page, it’s when difficulties arise, they can appear to be poles
apart in their strategies with dealing with the challenges. I’ve heard “I don’t
even know this person”, “I couldn’t believe it when…” etc., it’s like they have met their “real”
partner for the very first time. Strong
people have been seen scampering in corners, curling up in the foetal position
choosing to hide away for days on end.
Others become the “hulk”, “a bull in a china shop” a “madwoman” or
“princess bitch-face”- all of which affects their partner. How emotionally compatible are you as a couple when dealing with life
challenges, difficulties or differences?
In other words, how well to you manage conflict in your life. When the relationship is in trouble holding
on or trying to let go can feel like a game of tug-o-war with your partner,
using the strands as weapons. A healthy relationship recognises and acknowledges the emotional content
of the challenge and plays a supporting role if their partner has been affected
without absorbing their partner’s emotions.
Or have the capacity to sit together to discuss an agreed strategy or
resolving conflict, whilst understanding and responding to the difficulties
faced in a measured way. Financial Stand Money doesn’t buy happiness but it does create options and
opportunities. Sadly, in today’s society
it can be a duel edge sword. Some
relationships are so financially interwoven that they appear unravel-able to
the point that it’s the only thing keeping the relationship together. There are
families that cannot afford to stay together emotionally yet can’t afford to
separate financially so they operate from a purely functional space. Using, withholding or misusing funds in
relationships can cause fractures.
Financial control is just another form of relational abuse. Having financial compatibility in the relationship DOES NOT mean that
both parties earn and/or financially contribute equally. It’s the VALUE you
place on each other’s financial and non-financial contribution. It’s about the joint understanding and
responsibility pertaining to finances, whether it be priorities, savings,
spending, frugality, or frivolously spending whether it be for celebratory or
fun determines the health of the relationship in this area. Sexual Strand Sexual attraction lust, sexual chemistry, sexual compatibility,
playfulness and flirting – oh the excitement.
The measurement of how sexually and physically attractive you are to
your partner. Sexual compatible includes
how sexually adventuristic you are, and whether libido levels on par both contribute
to forming a strong sexual connection.
Healthy relationships have shared understandings, equal interest,
compatibility and initiation in a relationship.
Often when the sexual thread is out of whack – it tends to have a ripple
effect on all the other strands of the relationship. One party may feel rejected, or one feels the
other may be withholding sex when angry, etc all play into an unhealthy
relationship. When the relationship is
out of kilter, sex can be the first strand to fray for some whereas for others,
depending on the level of importance sex holds in their life, it’s the last –
fearing once they lose interest in that area of the relationship, it’ll be hard
for them to get back on track. Psychological
Strand This strand refers to the way in which you view the world, what is your
perspective, your lens on life and of others.
It’s the mental plus emotional fusion that develops your opinions, your fundamental
belief systems, your judgements and values.
Mostly, drawn from lived experiences that have shaped the way in which
your views are formed. How do you feel
about social issues, political views, religious pursuits, environment concerns,
etc. This is an incredibly important
strand – most wars are caused and continue to be fought over having differing
views or beliefs. For many, these are the deal breakers, the non-negotiable elements of
the relationship, particularly around dysfunctional behaviours such as alcohol,
drugs, gambling, pornography, etc. Especially when addictive behaviours are at
play, generally accompanied with unbecoming character traits such as
dishonesty, deceit, cheating, betrayal, etc.
It is the latter that partner’s find the hardest to understand, reconcile,
overcome or forgive. Remember, we are all as unique as fingerprints, there is no two of us
alike anywhere on the planet. Therefore,
we will not view the world exactly the same as anyone else. We all have different
tastes, preferences, likes, dislikes, but it’s how we respect each other’s
beliefs, discuss differences and engage in discussion without being abrasive to
people we love, sets the tone for a healthy relationship. The
Two Caveats Historical Significance
(more aligned to friendships) This one falls into the outer basket of categorisation as it is often only
history that has kept a connection alive.
This is highlighted when reunions and occasional catch up with old friends
whereby the only thing they have in common is their shared past. They are
grappling around in shared experiences to keep the conversation alive. The only highlights are shown in conversation
starters with “remember when” or “whatever happen to” or “what about the time
when” or “who’s heard from” seem to be the only entrée to group conversation and
perhaps reliving old times again and again.
However, this becomes particularly troublesome in a romantic
relationship when there is a sense it has become stale for no particular reason
or an underlying feeling of “owing” the other person for a past loyalty or life
decision. The only strand keeping it
going has been the history i.e. too much time has been invested, or too much
time has passed, or we’ve been through too much or its all too late. Regardless
of the of health or condition of the strands, it is now just going through the
motions of a life with another. It’s reached acceptance of till death us do part. Traumatic Life
Events (One off or Unexpected Events) Having children, a death of a love one, loss of a job, extended family
dramas and many other major life events external to the relationship or out of
your control, but nonetheless, have an impact on the strength of the
strands. Getting external help through
avenues such as counselling or support groups is the best way to assist and
navigate your way through these uncertain times and events. Relationships are ever changing and evolving – the longer you are
together the greater the chance of having to ride the ebbs and flows, face
difficult challenges and endure external forces. If your relationship starts to breakdown and the strands begin to fray –
hopefully this information will help you to organise your thoughts, gain
clarity around where attention and love is needed and help pinpoint the fracture
in the individual strand. Remember, all relationships will endure pressure and change so the
strength of a relationship will be continually tested. Seeking expert advice
and help can mend bridges, improve communication, resolve conflict and repair
frayed strands to get the relationship back on track. Narelle Brigden Counselling, 2018 |
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